Random thoughts and rubbish

Voices

2006-07-20T14:33:00.000-05:00

I have heard so many voices in the last few months. And no! I am not talking just about the voices in my head, although I will not deny the existence of such. The fact is that the voices of others have just been so loud for the last few months. The incessant voices have drowned out many of my own thoughts and quieted my own voice for a time. At first I was most annoyed, at least until I made the realization that it just might be possible that those voices had a stronger need to be heard than myself.

Some of these voices were very familiar, others were totally new. A couple where voices from the past. Some were yelling, screaming voices while others were crying even sobbing. A few sounded quite melancholy or perhaps just resigned. Worried, scared....oh just the whole gambit of human emotions. Some rocked my own thoughts while others weren't even worth the oxygen which they were using up. (I'm sorry but that is reality....my air is precious! It is a joke but "Please move away, you are breathing MY air!)

The problem that remains to what to do with what I have heard. Some of it was very simple and easy to acknowledge...acknowledgement being all that was needed. Other voices are not so simple. In fact for some there is no answer at all....perhaps none is needed, at least not from me.

It has taken me a while to process all these voices and I still am not done. But I have decided that it is high time that I speak with my own voice again. As directionless as it might be by times. It is my voice nonetheless. I will continue to listen to the voices of others mostly because I can not help myself but also because I don't have many gifts to give but my listening ear is easily given. (The price at times for myself might be high but that is mine to control, no?)

Okay enough rambling, the point is after a bit of a break I believe I am back ready to speak my own voice, changed a bit by the loud voices hopefully for the better. We shall see.

2006-06-28T09:02:00.000-05:00

cool, lazy mornings with the soft kiss of promised heat...

that early feeling as if there is no hurry even though the sun has been up for hours....

breakfast of warm coffee and fresh fruit that seems as filling as hot oatmeal in the winter...

long morning hours when so much seems to get done without much effort....

busy afternoons of lazing by the pool, or playing board games inside when the heat torments us with a desire for coolness and shadow...

short jaunts to the farmers' market, to Columbus Market, the park, the zoo, the aquarium....

road trips to small town America for the perfect 4th of July celebration...

ball games in the park...

outdoor concerts....

the scent of fresh cut green grass and light sweat...

catching fireflies at dusk...

dusk not closing in until after 8:30...

watching the dark settle in on the close of day from the front porch...

knowing that even though it is late it is still early.....

endless hours.

Thank you!!

Small Voice, Wise Advice

2006-04-03T07:42:00.000-05:00

So it isn't hard to realize that I have been very quiet lately. Even though it has been going on for a while (off and on) it is nothing to worry about because I have experienced this in the past. I chalk it up to simply the bipolar nature of my creativity. (No I am NOT bipolar, my creativity is.) Life has been so noisy lately. In particular other people's voices have been so loud. Sometimes it spurs me on to thoughts of my own, ideas which lead to writings, drawings...projects. Lately voices have been so loud that there feels like there is no room for my own voice even in my own head which tends to be a crowded place even in the best of times. Now don't get thinking that I am complaining. Quite the opposite, I needed a break....and apparently other voices needed to be heard more than my own. Woo hoo....my mind went on holiday (it really should have taken me with it, however. Perhaps when I go to Seattle next month I will leave my mind at home...no wait! that might be dangerous...I will be with L and we have a tendency to get into trouble even when I have all my wits about me! Well no mind over that right now.)

Anyway back to my line of thought...So anyway others voices....mindlessness....lacklusterness that verges on melancholy...boo hoo poor me (haha). This all leads me to a small, simple voice that said to me
"hey, when was the last time you did a project?" (no this wasn't one of those unbridled voices in my mind, it was an actual voice, belonging to K and not my alter ego K.)
My sleepy voice perked up its ears...a project? "what do you mean...a project?"
"I mean just when was the last time you did a project?"
and I thought darnit! someone asked the right question finally, now I have to do something! Of all the loud voices lately, those complaining ones, those criticizing ones, those that just needed to be heard...all the voices that have overwhelmed me lately....here was a somewhat quiet voice with a personally powerful question for me. "When was the last time you did a project?" It is apparent that she wasn't asking about my typical worklife. She was asking about my artlife. When was the last time I did a project?! That is a very good question. Finally!

2006-04-03T07:40:00.000-05:00

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.
Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.
At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?http://www.blogthings.com/whattempermentareyouquiz/outcome.php

2006-04-02T21:31:00.000-05:00

Life

may not be

the party we

hoped for, but

while we're here

we should dance.

Simple Solutions

2006-03-07T18:36:00.000-05:00

The other day I was facing down a potty trained 3 year old. The problem in front of me seemed as insurmountable as only a 3 year old can seem.

Hands on hips, serious face. "I want a star potty chair." This from a little one who was potty trained on the "big potty" starting around 18 months old and has only ever used a "big potty" ("potty chairs for babies, I big girl"coming from her lips not long after the potty training adventure began).

This defiance from a little one who has been scorning recently even the insert that keeps her from getting her little bum wet on the "big potty" should she slip backwards.

"I want a star potty chair." Feet firmly planted slightly apart on the ground....hands on hips... a serious but not bratty look on her face.

What has brought on this new heart's desire?

She picks up a book about potty training that has been dumped neglected in the basket for months. Turning the pages she finds what she means. Little finger sticking out from a hand that I notice has started to lose its baby chubbiness, she points to a picture. A small green potty chair with a blue star on its lid. "I want a star potty chair."

As she turns the pages the demands increase. "I want a princess potty chair." "I want a red potty." And I begin to think about pulling out my hair wondering what has started these demands....wondering when they will end.

"I am not buying a star potty chair for a potty trained 3 year old!" That is what I was thinking at that moment. And then the moment passes. "Ahhh...good..."the passing whims of a 3 year old, I think. Until later that day....in the bathroom...."I want a star potty"...said even as she uses the "big potty".

It is a small thing but I am feeling exasperated as only a 3 year old can make me feel. "Star potty, eh?" "you would like a star potty" my mind is thinking this even as I consider how ridiculous this seemed when for the third time that day she brings it up.

And suddenly it hits me....if it is a star potty you would like, maybe a star potty I can give you. Hurriedly I draw a blue star in the center of a white sheet of paper. Almost scribbling I color it in. And with my own defiance, my own determination, I walk to the bathroom, clear tape and blue star drawing in hand. And with a florish I taped that blue star drawing onto the tank of the toilet. "Voila! star potty you desired....star potty you shall have."

I was rewarded with the smile from an angel. In one instant I went from frustration to solution! Before as I argued with myself that I would not give in to this seemingly ridiculous demand there was no solution that did not include a few tears and some disappointment.....now suddenly I had a simple solution!

A simple solution! Imagine that...and one that satisfied both of us.

Today I noticed the blue star drawing still taped onto the back of the toilet and I smiled.

Simple solutions

2006-02-17T15:00:00.000-05:00

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer.)
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it. Live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

A Little Help Please?

2006-02-02T19:40:00.000-05:00

Well today is February 2, so the calendar says. Groundhogs across the United States were unwilling participants in that annual tradition of Groundhogs Day. According to my source, Punxsutawney Phil poo'ed all over the smartly dressed gentleman who was elected to draw (pull unwillingly) him out of his den. The results were not surprising. Phil saw his shadow and so there will be 6 more weeks of winter.

Okay now here is where the confusion starts for me. 6 more weeks of winter...hmmm...well doesn't winter last until the vernal equinox which usually occurs on or around March 21? That one day of the year when day and night are nearly the same length and the sun crosses the celestial equator moving northward and signifies the start of spring? Well according to my calendar that is just over 6 weeks away. So doesn't Phil always have to see his shadow to make a create prediction? And what kind of prediction is that anyway - predicting fact?

Well for argument's sake let's say he is predicting the end of winter like weather not just the end of the winter season. So let's say Phil seeing his shadow is an indication that we are in for 6 more weeks of winter weather. Winter weather? Now doesn't that sound like we have had winter weather before this date? That his prediction is a continuation of an existing condition? See now I am really confused. We have lacked winterlike weather all winter, how on earth can we expect 6 more weeks of it? Wouldn't it still be springlike, as it has been almost all winter?

Well of course this prediction would have to be northern hemisphere specific. Whether or not he is predicting the end of the winter season or the end of winter weather it concerns only the northern half of the world. Anyway I digress....it would appear that poor Punxsutawney Phil was pulled from his den for really no reason, unless I just missed the point entirely. So which is it? In the event that he sees/doesn't see his shadow, we will have/not have 6 more weeks of winter/winterlike weather? Anyone out there care to clarify this for me? Perhaps those smartly dressed Inner Circle dignitaries should put those top hats and tuxs to better use. Let poor Phil sleep...just leave his food at the door and kindly, quietly leave already.

Oh and don't even get me started on pondering Phil's residence...Gobbler's Knob? Gobbler's Knob of all names? Did you know that they have even gone so far as to specifically locate the distinquished groundhog's residence?
GPS Coordinates
Gobbler's Knob is located at the following coordinates (these readings were taken with a GPS unit placed on the stump on the stage at Gobbler's Knob):
N40.93027 W78.95772 (hddd.ddddd°)
N40 55.816 W78 57.463 (hddd°mm.mmm')

This all is making me tired. Someone quickly clear this up for me so I can rest easier. Well unless you are in the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club...

Have you ever noticed?

2006-02-01T19:02:00.000-05:00

Coquelicots Rouges

Zeina El Fakhri

Have you ever noticed that the more time passes the more difficult it is to come back to somethings?

My blog is of course what I have in mind. I never intended to allow such a gap of time to pass since my last post. But once more than a week had past and I still could not seem to get anything posted I began to think that I might never have another thing to say worth posting. Not that what I have said in the past is worth much. But that is how it is when more and more time passes, isn't it? Saying things becomes more and more difficult.

So although I still feel as if I have nothing of value to say, I am back anyway. Lucky you, eh? Whoever you are that might stumble across this. There is always the option to leave before I start again. Just a word of caution, although I do hope you will stay.

"A read friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." - Walter Winchell

Its Been a While

2005-12-19T14:06:00.000-05:00

Well I know its been a while since I posted anything. Not much fun to come back to visit and find nothing new is it? For that I apologize

Today I have nothing uplifting to talk about. In fact I want to talk about something quite sad. There have been numerous phone calls at my house this last week. A trip to the hospital. A lot of worry and concern and a few tears. A melancholy week and weekend.

A family gathered together last night next to the hospital bed of a loved one. Together they made the difficult decision to remove the respirator that had been sustaining their dear one. In a matter of hours he was gone. His liver had failed causing his ammonia levels to be toxically high in his body. His lungs were not functioning properly. He was incoherent. There was fluid on his brain. They didn't get to speak the last words that they wanted him to hear and know that he had heard them. He is gone and they mourn. He was only 53 years old.

I can very thankfully say this was not my family, it was not my dear one. It was a co-worker of my husband's, well actually a man who he supervised. I never met him personally. I know only about him from what I have been told. But it still makes me feel profoundly sad and profoundly fortunate.

The event has made me think alot. This man was actually frustrating to co-workers because he could not always work his shifts and someone would have to cover for him. It has been going on for several months. No one realized how ill he was, perhaps even he didn't. Almost too late did people realize how serious the situation was, by then it was too late to say all the things they would have liked to say....to do all the things they would have liked to have done.

He was a civil servant, retired military. He leaves behind a wife (married only 10 years) and son and a daughter, two step daughters, four grandchildren that I know of, a younger brother, and his mother. I hope that they are huddling together supporting one another. Sadly sometimes an event such as this can rip a family apart. I suppose we all want someone or something to blame, especially when there is nothing to place the blame on.

My husband is working to ensure that his widow receives all benefits that might help at this time. There will be a military funeral with an honor guard present, although when this will be I am not sure. Surely before this week is done...before Christmas, although she will always be reminded by the holiday even more accutely of her loss. There is no good time to lose a loved one but at holidays and significant dates it becomes even more difficult.

I can not change this situation, truthfully I am not sure that I would want to although I wish there was a way to give them peace and ease the pain. Death does not scare or upset me...it is most difficult for those left behind than for the one who went ahead. He will not suffer anymore, he will not feel the pain or the fear that he was experiencing anymore. But his family will miss him dearly. Hopefully with love and support they will carry on.

I will do whatever I can do. It probably won't be much....a cooked meal so they don't have to worry about food, a clean house if she needs a hand, my open phone and open home if they need support. The situation makes me feel small, wishing that there was more that I could do. If I could I would carry them on my shoulders for a time but it isn't really my place to do so.

I can however learn from this event. It has made me appreciate, at least for the moment, what I have right now. My healthy husband and beautiful children (even though they can be a pain I would be lost without them), my own health, my extended family and all my loved ones. It makes me realize that I should not put off saying how I feel because I might not have a chance again. Tell them now how much they are loved, how much they are appreciated. Live in the moment because all too quickly it might be changed and I might not have a chance again.

I did not mean to depress you with this post. Instead I hope you hear from it not about death but about life. About appreciating what you have, what you can achieve. Doing it now before it is too late and staying focused on what is really important. Do now what you might put off doing for those silly reasons that we put things off, because although it might feel like you have plenty of time you never know....you just never know.

Personally I am off now to hug a loved one or two or three or five....and I am not letting the stress that the holiday season came bring invade me and my house....who knows we many never have a Christmas like this again....and even if we are looking back years from now we won't remember the silly thing that I could be stressing over right now.

I hope this holiday season that you too take the time to say the things that you have been thinking by might not always say....to tell loved ones how you feel and to mend any relationships that need mending.

Peace to you and to yours.

Yeah!! Yeah!!! YEAH!!!!

2005-12-11T18:26:00.000-05:00

hehe....time to boost a little...I'm done shopping for holiday gifts!!! After doing a marathon dash of shopping on Saturday and a bit today, I am done!! Well okay...almost done. I still need a couple of small gifts for people such as teachers and co-workers....oh and I haven't finished the hubby's gift shopping yet...oh and there is still the matter of needing to buy a teddy bear...and sorry Pinky but santa isn't bringing you that limo this year, even though he understands that you would like to see more of the world then what can be seen by being dragged around by the paw by an adorable yet sometimes forgetful little girl...oh and there is still more thought that needs to go into K's gifts..............well darn! okay I'm not totally done, but for the most part I am. There will be little more need to fight the crowds in the stores.

It still felt like an achievement. My christmas list consisted of 22 people that I needed to buy a gift for (that of course doesn't include the few that I am still afraid may have slipped my mind...never hurts to have a few small gifts on hand just in case). For the most part I am done, at least with the buying of said presents. There still is the gift wrapping to do, and I need to box and ship most of it because we won't be going to visit extented family this year. Oh and somehow although I intented to get cards out early, I haven't achieved that yet. But I still feel like I have gotten alot done and that I can enjoy the baking/cooking and decorating.

I just might manage to have some holiday cheer left to spread around this year! Although I was told just today that I have the most holiday cheer of all....and when I asked "oh? how is that?" I was told simply "You are mom, of course you have the most holiday spirit." Out of the mouths of babes...

Although this is the same clan from which I hear such brilliant utterances as "Iron Giant! Metal Man!!" and "oh my gosh! this juice box is soo big!!" oh and let's not forget the ever clever "tight!" (and why do I have a girl that is so very proud of smelly breaking wind? It is a great achievement to be silent but deadly, isn't it? Actually there is a part of me that hopes she never becomes embarrassed about the things her body does.)

Yes the holidays will be jolly even if I have to slap someone to make it so! (kidding...kidding...well at least mostly! hehehe)

Very, very sleepy

2005-12-08T17:12:00.000-05:00

Ugh! It is still early, not even dinner time yet and I am so....(yawn)...sleepy. You might think that it is due to the wintry weather that we are currently have. However, like a child, the snow only excites me and yes I am out with the sunrise shovelling the walkway when necessary. So while you might think to blame the hibernation phenomena often felt at this time of year, in my case you might want to reconsider.

My sleepy state appears to be due to the book writing that I am attempting in that twilight time between wakefulness and sound sleep. Very odd I must say...but for several nights now I have began to doze off only to snap back awake with lines for a novel floating in my head. The first night that this took place, I almost laughed at myself and settled back down to sleep. The second night that the process was repeated I began to take it more seriously. The novel began with the same sentence as my brain worked to continue its nighttime writing. The next morning I wondered if I should sit down and put on the computer those lines that my mind had written at night, but I decided against what felt like such silliness at the time. The third night my brain continued its twillight writing. It began with the same opening lines and worked rapidly on a story outline. I fully awoke quite disquieted this time, scolded myself for this foolishness and finally settled back to sleep.

The next morning which was actually this morning, I once again wondered about sitting down to record these words. But I vetoed the idea. Now this evening, feeling sleepy and facing possibly another restless night of twillight writting, I am reconsidering the wisdom of not putting down those words. Especially because today not only did those opening sentences haunt me but this odd idea for a children's book kept floating through my head.

Act before the ideas are lost, right?! It might also be wise to act before the haunting grows stronger and my mind becomes a cluttered room full of locked up ideas, and unused bits.

Okay....

2005-12-06T08:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, it is possible that I am an idiot but for the life of me I can't seem to get a Yahoo! 360 page up and actually running.

Jeesh! Talk about feeling frustrated! I can somewhat manage my blogger site but now I feel like a total failure because I can't even edit simple things such as my profile, quote, links and the like on that self-confidence shaking Yahoo! (there really shouldn't be an exclamation point behind that seeing as how they have now stolen my excitement) 360. It will NOT seem to save anything at all that I am trying to create. Very, very frustrating!!

I should have never tried to create that first thing today because now my inability to get it going will drive me nuts all day and I will continue to come back, and come back, and come back....trying to get it up and running. Things such as this haunt me because there is little that I find more infuriating then simple technology getting the best of me!

I am a intelligent human being....I am an intelligent human being....well okay, I am at least a somewhat capable human being....I am I tell you! I am!!

(You have to know that I am laughing by now...but I haven't given up....that page will be up and running or I will be bald before I give up trying! (and I've a lot of hair!)).

2005-12-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

WhatColor Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorshouldyourblogorjournalbequiz/

2005-11-29T10:21:00.000-05:00

Things I am thankful for:

I am thankful for my health. I take it entirely too much forgranted.
I am thankful for my intelligence. Go ahead and laugh here! but I am thankful for it nonetheless. I am not a genius but thanks to the harassment of a jerk I took a couple of IQ tests which have assured me that I am somewhat above average in intelligence. (I didn't tell him that I actually think IQ tests are crap. I was disappointed that my brother said he thought my score would be higher, he should know that I am no John Nash despite the fact that he bought me the Waterman.)
I am thankful for my creativity.
I am thankful for my family both my immediate and extended even though I might not always show it like I should.
I am thankful for Toblerone! (one needs to be thankful for little things also)
I am thankful for my Grandpa and Grandma M. and I miss them dearly almost everyday although I am glad that they have moved to a better place.
I am thankful for this house that I live in now, even though I miss the old neighborhood.
I am thankful that change is constant even though I am a bit anxious about change sometimes.
I am thankful for my friends.
I am thankful that I don't have a 9 to 5 job (although I complain about this quite a lot!)
I am thankful that I have the freedom to complain!
Truth be told I am thankful for more things then I can even think of!

I meant to create this post last Thursday but time got away from me! Maybe I should post things I am thankful for more than just once every year. I knew a woman who said she wrote down every morning first thing in the morning 5 things that she was thankful for. She said that she especially made sure she did it when she wasn't feeling thankful for much. Probably a good policy!

2005-11-29T08:32:00.000-05:00

Wow! Its been a week since I have posted anything! It would appear that my brain may have shut down, but actually that is not the case at all; well maybe it is the case....oh I just don't know! If you were the adminstrator you would know that there are several drafts saved which were deemed not worthy at this time of being posted, perhaps will never be posted (especially since I Am the adminstrator around here!). We are headed in a direction here, I just am unsure of which direction it is. Let's hope up, shall we.

I have looked at a few other blogs. Some are interesting entertainment, others have a statement to make, and still others are personal accounts of the individual's life. It is that last category that troubles me somewhat. I think my blog falls into that last category, although from time to time I have a statement to make (effectively or not....we will not decide that here and now) but for the most part this blog is a take on my world seen through my eyes. I do not want it to be a diary of my daily events and I definitely do not want it to became a whining, bitching, complaining, waaa-waaa why me - can you believe (insert name) did this to me blog. I have seen plenty blogs out there like that and while I imagine that it might seem cleansing to the mind to piss and moan, I do not believe that it is entirely beneficial to the soul. Something about ones attitude and ones mood going hand in hand and another thing about mind over matter or some such thing. Anyway it all leads to the fact that while we might not have total power or control over our lives, we do have control over our responses and our attitudes.

All that said leads me to why I haven't posted much lately. It is because I am struggling not to piss and moan...bitching will get me absolutely no where. The only problem with this line of thought is that in my struggle to not complain I am still getting nowhere. I am wasting all my energy trying to pretend that everything is fine. Everything is NOT fine...there I have said it....definitely not fine, not by a long shot. I have been treated in ways that I do not deserve especially by those closest to me. I have allowed their hurtful ways to change me. I am angry that I have allowed all this!

I have turned into exactly the type of person I always swore that I would not be. There, now I've said that also. Its out! My life, like most everyone else's life has not turned out the way I expected it to. And along the way I have tried to remain flexible and learn how to make the best of almost everything. But now I find myself stuck. Lemons all around me but I lack the strength to make lemonade.

I am not doing what I know might help the situation, and I am doing things that might hurt the situation. If I have any major pet peeves that would be it. And now I am doing exactly what bugs me the most in others. I am starting to understand how people get into situations and feel like they cannot help themselves. But that is bull! So once again I am going to pull myself up by my boot straps (I really need to buy some, would make the pulling easier hardy har har) give myself a bit of a kick and straighten back up!

N would tell me to meditate. Especially because many of the problems really have no good apparent solutions...unapparent solutions would emerge during meditation. And even if no solutions were found it would give me a peace, which in itself is a solution! So I will start to follow his advice. I was meditating but when we moved I stopped. It really did help immensely!

S would tell me to do the Artist Way and my morning pages. (yeah, I'm talking about you here :-p ) I'm not trying very hard in this department. I even contracted with myself to work through this, but I will not beat myself about it but just resolve to pick it up and continue the work. I really, really want to start drawing again...I really, really am finding it difficult to do!

I would tell myself to be more consistant in my exercise and eat better. Mum would tell me to take my vitamins. This all would help my energy level and my moods. I also should tell myself to be more gentle with myself (I wouldn't usual tell myself that but I have been too hard even for me....I am so much harder on me than I ever am on anyone else).

And now enough whining! I need to move on. Don't be surprised if you detect a bit more from time to time but I promise to check it and not let it get out of hand. I always remember that there are plenty of people in much worse circumstances and plenty of them do not whine at all!

So let's move on and get moving!

By the way...

2005-11-22T16:44:00.000-05:00

while I am complaining (I'm on quite a roll don't you think?!) I would also like to say that I am highly disappointed that my results from the Action Hero test were not Lara Croft. Most disappointing really...although I could rig my answers so that my results come out as being 100% Lara Croft. So for the sake of my mood, let's just say that's what happened! shall we?!

Inconsistency - the quality of being inconsistent and lacking a harmonious uniformity among things or parts

2005-11-22T16:40:00.000-05:00

I think I just might be one of the most inconsistent people that I know. The odd thing is that I am particularly inconsistent in things relating to myself. In those things that I do for others I am almost as predictable as the clock chiming the hour.

Yes from that statement it should be easy to tell that I am not succeeding well in working through the book The Artist's Way. Or maybe you could just look at it like this...for me it will be a 12 month journey instead of 12 weeks. Yes that is how I prefer to look at it! I have not given up my effort, I just am not progressing as rapidly as I would like. I am still looking for the courage to paint...if you have any extra might I borrow it?

I also am not improving on my eating habits and exercise like I had vowed to do. Such as right now....it is so terribly cold and miserable outside 45f/7.2c which supposedly feels like 37f/2.7c considering the factors (although for some odd reason my thermometer says it is 71.6f/22c outside...I guess it has finally given up the ghost and I need to buy a new one). So regardless of my resolution, I put on a new pot of coffee and am now sitting here feeling somewhat brain dead, drinking a fresh cup of coffee with peppermint mocha creme in it (is it only us Americans who have to try and make both coffee and tea exotic?....so many favors, so many possibilities to add in....so little time!) and to make matters worse I hear the jar of biscotti on the counter calling to me....I will resist! I WILL resist!! (that bit of dark chocolate isn't at all the same as that biscotti, right? Right??!!!)

This weather also puts a damper on my enthusiasm for exercise. I want nothing more than to just curl up in that big comfy chair in the living room, pull a blanket around me and doze off. Forget going for a walk, it is too bone chilling cold and wet out! Forget doing pilates, I am too cold to be flexible so the same goes for doing yoga. Sleep....sleep...sleep....it sounds like the absolute best plan that I have had all day! Perhaps it is not my inconsistency that has lead to my laziness today....I will blame my lack of sleep last night for it today! A body should not be up wandering the house at 3:00 am when the alarm will sound at 6:15!

The good news is that if you expect me to be somewhere at 8:00 I will be there. If you were expecting a report from me, you received it. If you need a warm meal or something to drink, I have it. And if required, you have been taken to school and picked up again...right as rain, as dependable as the post office used to claim to be! (This brings us to an entirely different noun - predictability, which I know also leads me to another noun - familarity which in turn leads to yet another.....now if I switch these nouns to adjectives I begin to see a pattern here....I don't think I like this pattern very much, no not much at all. (predictable, familar, convenient....I see resentment at the end of this pattern.) How is it that what I thought should be a good character trait can come to such bad?

Of course I probably look as worn out as I feel while doing it....but for all my inconsistency I am not giving up yet!! Even when I say "I give up!" it isn't really true. You can't make me, no matter how hard you try.

And finally for a bit of fun!

2005-11-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

I actually found this site on someone else's blog.

"Which Action Hero Would You Be?"

Curious I clicked it and took this quiz myself.

http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=92013&first=yes

I am MAXIMUS

After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him.

Although there was almost a tie which would have made me

Batman, The Dark Knight

As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause.

Hehe that was kind of fun!

I also took Dante's Inferno Test just for fun a few days back.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

According to it I belong in the Second Level of Hell

which says:

"You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate."

Although it would appear that should I change my ways I might be destined either to Purgatory or the Eighth Level of Hell - The Malebolge

Maybe I really shouldn't waste time with such rubbish....but well you know the title of my blog....what can I say??!!!!

And now to bore you yet again....

2005-11-17T19:14:00.000-05:00

So I realize that I seem to be stuck in a thought process that I can't seem to exactly iron out. I have noticed of late that my posts continue to come back to one underlying theme. And I probably need to put it to rest very soon, to ease my poor little head....but before I do I have one more quote that I feel a need to share. I am a fan of quotes and also a disliker of quotes. I do not appreciate how some people spout quotes forth like they themselves are intelligent because one knows full well they are using quotes to sound that way because they have no intelligent thoughts of their own. They must hide behind some supposed authority instead of braving to express their own thoughts. BLECH to that! So forgive me if you have felt that way about my use of quotes. It is just that sometimes someone before me has expressed so beautifully a thought that I feel floating in my head. In those times I feel compelled to use the quote that was so eloquently written.

Your thought is a tree rooted deep in the soil of tradition whose branches grow in the power of continunity.
My thought is a cloud moving in the space. It turns into drops which, as they fall, form a brook that sings it way into the sea. Then it rises as vapor into the sky.
Your thought is a fortress that neither gale nor the lightning can shake.
My thought is a tender leaf that sways in every dirction and finds pleasure in its swaying.
Your thought is an ancient dogma that cannot change you nor can you change it.
My thought is new, and it tests me and I test it morn and eve.
You have your thought and I have mine.

Your thought advocates Judaism, Brahmanism, Buddhism, Christianity, and Islam
In my thought there is only one universal religion whose vaired paths are but the fingers of the loving hand of the Supreme Being.
In your thought there are the rich, the poor, and the beggared.
My thought holds that there are no riches but life; that we are all beggars, and no benefactor exists save life herself.
You have your thought and I have mine.

Take from Spiritual Sayings of Kahlil Gibran

Now please don't ask me exactly why this caught my eye because I am not sure that I can say.

2005-11-17T18:52:00.000-05:00

Currently I am.....

reading The Oxford Book of English Ghost Stories, Spiritual Sayings of Kahlil Gibran and from The Complete Poems of Keats & Shelley
loving this weather cold snap...well expect for the rain last night that chilled me to the bone.
looking forward to the season that is quickly coming upon me.
planning to plan for said season before it is too late
wanting some dark chocolate so much so that I am considering going out to get some, however, I have resigned myself to cutting down on sweets at least until the holidays actually get here....then I want to be able to enjoy! (maybe if I go brush my teeth I won't want chocolate anymore hehe)
feeling melancholy but not sad
listening....well listening to nothing much lately....could be part of why I am feeling melancholy
lacking introspection

But even with that all said, here it is already Thursday evening and I feel pretty good about this past week. It has been thus far as exciting as ever but I do feel like at least I have stayed on top of the work that needed to be done and still had some time to relax.

This weekend I absolutely have to get things together for Thanksgiving, the start of what might be total madness if I don't keep up! and I need to do something fun, a childish fun something - even if it is only racking up what remains of the leaves from the trees' slow striptease and jumping in the pile! There lives somewhere inside of me a 5 year old screaming to get out, she might even be as young as 3 because I know sometimes I am very jealous of A and her abandon to tantrums, it is as if she is giving voice to what I am feeling inside - for that I thank her kindly!

2005-11-15T08:26:00.000-05:00

A news tidbit that I found on the web. It beautifully puts to words my own thoughts about ethnic similarities and differences.

Another sign of a new approach came last week in the influential daily "Le Monde," where the country's best known sociologist, Alain Touraine, urged a rethink. "Rejection of ethnic separatism must be matched by a recognition of differences," he argued. "France as a society could become a threat to itself unless it manages to combine integration with differences and universalism with individual cultural rights."

The one thing that has always been so hard for me to understand is why we tend to be so narrow minded in our thinking. To only see one side of a solution when there is two components to it. Now that is not to say that I am not guilty of seeing only one side myself, oh no! I am the fartherst thing from perfect in that area. But I am trying.

A thought just popped into my head but I'm not even entirely sure what I mean by it...an objective participant in life.

Lazy Monday

2005-11-14T09:38:00.000-05:00

Today of course is Monday. I always have mixed feelings about Mondays. To me they often seem full of promise...the promise of a new week, a new start, and productivity....the beginning of a week full, hopefully of accomplishment, which leads to feelings of satisfaction. Regardless of my self-proclaimed occupation of a slacker I delight in achieving. So I look forward to Monday mornings for that reason. I also dread Mondays because of the promise that day holds in my mind. I will be disappointed in myself once again if the week comes and goes and I feel that I have not achieved something.

Problem is that all too often I am unsure of what it is that I need or want to accomplish in any given week. Not because I sit on my arse all week long doing nothing. I have plenty of work and I work hard. And not because I am directionless. I have many ideas and dreams and I have worked to achieve these in the past. However, there is still a problem. Suffice it to say that I feel unchallenged, which leads to my frustration. I need something to accomplish, that I am excited and passionate about. This might take some thought. I don't truly enjoy being a procrastinating slacker but I am lost in an ocean of uncertainty as to what the next step in my personal path might be, the big picture not the day to day stuff, it is the years from now.

Do not take this as whining however, I am not whining, simply thinking outwardly. It will come to me eventually what should come next. At least after what feels like several months, I am more settled in my new house. It is an odd need of mine to be organized and settled in my environment before I feel that I can....can....well you know....whatever it is that should come next in the big picture that I haven't figured out yet. (lol)

I try to live in the moment but I still feel a need to keep on eye on the future. I do best when I have plans and goals. (Sometimes that feels like a contradiction. Be in the moment, plan for the future, huh?) This is what I feel like I lack lately. But given my circumstances I am somewhat unsure of my next move. So perhaps that is the challenge in front of me. How to plan for my future without destroying the now.

okay....okay....enough rambling and borderline whining. Whatever your needs for this week, I hope you achieve them. It is a pat thing to say...have a nice week...but isn't that to a large extent what it is all about, feeling satisfied - being happy? I wish you a good one.

2005-11-12T23:08:00.000-05:00

Silent Suffering

Kahlil Gibran

Imprisoned Lovers

2005-11-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

If I could wander
With the night
And
Be myself unseen
I'd travel to
Your place of sleep
And
Dream with you
Your dream.

But
I can't travel
With the night
Nor
Be myself unseen.
I
Can only in my sleep
Dream
Alone our Dream.

Written by Roseleen Walsh while she was interned as a political prisoner at Armagh Prison from which she was unconditionally released after being held 13 months and 2 weeks without ever being charged with a specific crime. She was given no apology.

2005-11-08T16:41:00.000-05:00

Be steady and well ordered in your life so you can be fierce and original in your work. ~Gustave Flaubert

Blatant Defiance

2005-11-07T10:24:00.000-05:00

In blatant defiance of my neighbor's rush for the Christmas season, we had a fire last night. Halloween is barely over and Thanksgiving not even here yet and my neighbor has put up Christmas decorations. Now don't get me wrong, I love the Christmas season, but reindeer and a sleigh complete with Jolly Ole Saint Nick in the front yard on November 5 is just too much for me. It is bad enough in the stores but in my own neighborhood? yuck! Why rush things? Why not enjoy right now? I am guilty also of running ahead but I am trying very hard to reign myself in. My neighbor obviously is not!

So in blatant defiance of her stand on Christmas, we had a fire in the back yard reminiscent of campfires minus the ghost stories. One last time before too frigid with cold and snow to cook hotdogs on sticks and roast marshmallows until gooey soft. And while I am not a big fan of either hotdogs or marshmallows, I savored every indigestion causing bite. A silent stand against people hurrying time because I don't like time getting away from me. Here and now! (now if only I remember that...heehee.)

Besides she obviously has not noticed the blazing leaves still clinging tenaciously to the branches. It is fall, in case she has failed to notice. One of my favourite seasons.

Rosa Parks

2005-11-03T14:11:00.000-05:00

Rosa Parks died in her home in Detroit October 24 at the age of 92. There has always been something about Rosa Parks that had interested me. I mean aside from the obvious that she is known for. Such a simple act that rocked a nation....I loved what she was quoted as saying when she was arrested and the honest response that she got in return..."Why do you push us around?"..."I do not know, but the law is the law and you are under arrest." A simple act and an honest answer that brought clearly into light something a nation had not wanted to look at.

But it is something more than just her role in history that interests me. It is the intelligence and kindness that was so apparent in her eyes. She was a beautiful woman, both inside and outside, and it shows in her eyes. It also shows in the mark that she has left on this world. Both the public marks that everyone witnessed and were spoke of during her funeral proceedings and the private marks that I am confident she put on everyone that ever came in contact with her. You can see it in her face that that no one could have been in her presence and not in some way been changed.

Her passing made me wonder a few things. I was fortunate to grow up without being taught intolerance or ignorance. Although in someways I was perhaps sheltered from major racial conflicts, I did not grow up under a rock. The community which I grew up in was small but it was diverse. I went to school with Asians, Indians, native Americans and blacks. There were often exchange students within the student body. And I looked at it all as normal and interesting. I will not claim to have no prejudices because I think that is irrational to claim. I fear the unknown but I hope I have never let it stop me. In the most simplistic form I believe prejudice is born within a fear of the unknown and without the desire to understand.

I feel and I think. I hurt and I cry. I laugh and I smile. And I have always assumed everyone else does also. Maybe in different ways and for different reasons but more like me than different from me. That is not to say that we are all alike. What a dull world it would be if we were...each unique, each beautiful. These thoughts are not my own....they were taught to me everyday in a variety of ways.

What would I be now if I had been brought up different? What if I was taught to fear differences, to believe in superiority and inferiority?

Rosa Parks' death made me ponder the idea for quite some time. I tried to imagine what I would have thought and felt if I had been a white girl in the south in the 1950s. I also tried to imagine who I would have been if I had been a white boy. What if I had been born a black girl....a black boy? In a time and place where no one was immune to prejudice, what would I have learned and what would I have believed. I would like to imagine that I would have looked at life through the eyes of a child in that time and somehow would have known that this was all wrong and somehow made a difference...but looking at the people of the time and their beliefs, I wonder if I truly would have. I am very thankful to have been taught what I was taught rather than to believe what some believed, and sadly some still believe.

Change is very slow. Maybe we humans will never figure it out. However, Rosa Parks had figured some of it out and that one small woman made a huge difference. There is power in one even against the odds.

Standing on shaky legs....

2005-10-31T15:35:00.000-05:00

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." ~Alan Alda

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." ~ Emily Kimbrough

"Poetry often enters through the window of irrelevance." ~ M.C. Richards

"Inspiration may be a form of superconsciousness, or perhaps of subconsciousness - I wouldn't know. But I am sure it is the antithesis of self-consciousness." ~ Aaron Copland

"Inside you there's an artist you don't know about....Say yes quickly, if you know, if you've known it from before the beginning of the universe." ~Jalai Ud-Din Rumi

"Do no weep; do not wax indignant. Understand." ~Baruch Spinoza

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." ~Henry David Thoreau

2005-10-31T07:51:00.000-05:00

The airplanes keep leaving white lines on my blue canvas. I really wish they would stop that!

Out of the Blue

2005-10-29T12:56:00.000-05:00

Isn't it odd how sometimes something happens just out of the blue? Something that you had been thinking about but were either too lazy or too scared or too unsure to do anything about.

In the last 16 years I have moved so many times that the places become almost a blur....and the people....well sometimes I find myself thinking that I have caught a glimpse of someone and then realize that it could not be that person because they live elsewhere.

I knew one city, one street, one house until the time that I turned 19. Since then I have known 5 cities in 5 different states and 9 different apartments, cottages, townhouses and houses. We won't bother to count the temporary places as such...the week to month spent living here or there waiting for a place to open up. This for a person who needs such deep roots in order to not blow over (you might have noticed the pic I chose for my profile)....along the way I also learned something about roots...I now carry them with me no matter where I end up.

But anyway all of that isn't what I am thinking about really. An event just happened to bring it to mind. What I am thinking about is a strange piece of mail that I received in Thursday's post. I check the mail everyday....well okay almost everyday. It seems that almost everyone has abandoned the dying art of letter writing...you know pen to paper not keyboard to enter/send. So occasionally there are a few days that go by when I don't check the mail. I won't be expecting anything so I just don't bother looking. Thursday I stepped out the front door to check that huge often times empty black mailbox and pulled out the usual. Or at least what as first glance looked to be the usual. Flyers and advertisements...a magazine....a catalog....a bill....and a single 5 x 6 white envelope addressed to me.

This envelope had had an adventure of its own. It listed my full name and my old address which had been marked through along with a yellow sticker from the post office for my general delivery address which had been marked through along with a handwritten current address which is how it finally reached me. At first I thought it might be a thank you from my brother from his wedding. (I really must see to it that everyone has my current address....just been too lazy) However, when I turned it over to open it I realized the return address was Roseville, CA Now that is NOT my brother. In fact I don't recognize this address nor this name at all.

Very curious now, I open it and pull out a single card. Like a postcard...a black and white advertisement is what it reminded me of. And the thought that went through my head was "oh now who has gotten my name from a mailing list and what crazy thing are they wanting from me" but the card had nothing on its back...just these pictures and a few words. I realized finally that it was a birth announcement. But I don't know these people! The name is not familar at all. Why would I have gotten this? It really puzzled me. Gave me an odd feeling like I should understand this but I didn't. These proud parents announcing a birth to a stranger....very odd, don't you agree?

He is a beautiful baby boy as newborns go. Strange little creatures that you want to hold and protect, but that somehow seem to have something behind those eyes....something wise to tell you if only they could speak. But they always keep their mystery to themselves. The background picture is obviously this little one gripping his mother's finger and then over that is a picture of his solemn little face in one corner and below that a picture of the happy little family of three in a private moment gazing at the baby. To the right is a strip of photos...the loving father with a bald head of his own, muzzling the babe's bald head.....bare little feet, toes out stretched...a loving mother craddling the babe, leaning down over him in profile. And that is when it hit me. The woman is gorgeous and happy but at first not familar to me...but that face in profile is familar! It is a friend that I have lost contact with probably 8 years ago....3 states ago...4 addresses ago.

Somehow she had taken the time to try and track me down. I had continued to run ahead like I seem to be always doing without leaving an advance warning. I have thought about her quite often. I have wondered how she is doing. I have thought about trying to track her down. She has one of the best hearts that I know. I have been upset with myself that I haven't kept in touch with her. She isn't the only friend that I have lost track of (having to leave others breaks my heart and so sometimes I almost pretend that they were another life time...silly I know). And here she was in a sense at my front door.

It is needless to say that I immediately dialed information. There was no listing for them! Damn this age for the technology that keeps people easy to reach and impossible to track down! All the operator could tell me was that she found no listing for them....perhaps it was unlisted...perhaps they had just a cell phone. No matter, I couldn't dial her in my excitement to catch up on all the missed years. So instead I will put pen to paper and revive the dying art of letter writing. Because if I don't make this effort I will never forgive myself.

A voice from the past, out of the blue.

2005-10-27T08:12:00.000-05:00

It was freezing this morning. And this time I mean actually freezing...0 c/32 f. Brrrrrr!!! Frost even....I need to pick up a windshield scraper lol.

Okay there is something bothering me....a silly thing, which I know is a silly thing but it bugs me nonetheless. Last night I bought a liter of gingerale, Canada Dry to be exact (although I really wanted Vernors but they didn't see to carry it). So anyway this morning the liter is still sitting on the countertop unopened and I got curious.
Exactly where is Canada Dry made? Well not Canada apparently...it is owned by Dr Pepper/Seven Up, Inc (based in Plano, TX)...which in turn is a wholly owned-division of a London-based Cadbury Schweppes plc. I don't see Canada anywhere in that picture, do you? And can you even get Canada Dry in London?....probably not.
Want to know what else I just found out? Vernors is made by the same company (it used to be a Michigan only product, years ago)....now if Vernors and Canada Dry are from the same company, why was I left with only Canada Dry as a choice? Very rude....I need the store manager!

Randomness

2005-10-26T08:30:00.000-05:00

Inspiration of old

(I truly need a better digital camera....one for finer work)

Familiarity can be disappointing when you were expecting the exotic. It's hard to throw your heart, soul and sense of wonder into something that you already know so well. The situation gets tricky if others are annoyed with your lack of enthusiasm. It's not as if you're trying to rain on their parade. If you meet them halfway with a graceful gesture, most people will be more than satisfied. That's fine with you. You're ready to give this subject a rest, anyway.

Currently I am....

2005-10-25T18:07:00.000-05:00

reading The Cave by Jose' Saramago (he is an odd writer, does anyone else agree with me on that?) I will pick Poe back up this weekend just for the thrill of it.
craving the feel of a fresh sheet of textured paper
dreaming of calla lilies
missing the dry, irritatingly chalky feel of pastels on my fingertips
wondering what I am waiting for
freezing to death
listening to Mad Season - Wake Up, The Smashing Pumpkins - Ava Adore, I Mother Earth - So Gently We Go, Dandy Warhols - Sleep, Deftones - Change (in the house of flies) and Junkhouse - Shine (all courtesy of a silver tongued snake from days passed, who should be proud of the compilation of poetry that he published...I bought it, need I say more?)

So what's that all tell you? And when you figure it out will you let me in on it?

Just go with it, right?

2005-10-25T07:48:00.000-05:00

This morning the alarm sounded in the pitch black and I reached over and slammed the snooze button. Listening I could hear the rain. Why does it sound relentless to me today? So warm and cozy under the covers I felt no desire to get up. Wouldn't it be lovely instead to turn on the bedside lamp and just lay here and read until I felt like getting up? Again the alarm sounded so I swung my feet out of bed. It wasn't until my feet hit the smooth hardwood floor that this feeling of grumpiness came over me. I have to laugh how I can go from feeling cuddly peaceful, to foul grumpy. Even dragging myself to the coffee pot didn't help this morning. Must be a day to just go with it, eh?

A drive down to district instead of a walk....now that never helps my mood. Idiots, such idiots driving these cars, myself included if I am truthful. If it weren't for the bonechilling cold it would have been better to walk instead of drive this dreadful route. One thing always comes to mind when I drive to district.....isn't a roundabout supposed to serve a purpose???!!! There is one on my way which does nothing at all. Deadsmack in the middle of the street....not even landscaped....it serves absolutely no purpose except to make me drive slightly around to the right....there is no offshooting streets only this street with its roundabout....utterly ridiculous!!!! At least it is a quick trip and I will be home again.

The one thing that put a tiny crack in my foul mood was a song playing, You are Beautiful by James Blunt....imagine but I was thinking at that instant that it was time to burn a different cd for in the car....until I heard this soft sound underneath the music.....a tiny, lilted singer. Straining I could barely hear but by god she was singing the words....every word of the chorus softly to herself. Damn if that didn't put a bit of a damper on my now-on-a-roll grumpiness.

Today I really should get some work done. Looking at my journals and my portifolio, I realize that this move has put me almost to a dead stop. Well no excuses left....almost everything is settled now....mum and dad have left (might that be part of my foul mood today? Probably) time to get on with things. No more excuses....Get on with it Erika!

Your physical burning gets tiresome...
it pales in comparison to the yearnings of my soul.
The talk of flesh is a mere shadow of the desires of the heart.
The arousal of the body can be explained by science...
the firing of neurons, the stimulation of nerve endings.
The urgings of the soul are harder to define....
but are more ecstasy to the whole than just the stirring of the hips, the quivers of flesh, the spasms of bodily pleasure.
To have me would be to understand that.
Various physical desires I have already known...
surprise me with something different.
Stimulate my soul to bring unbearable release.

2005-10-24T08:08:00.000-05:00

"A woman without love wilts like a flower without sun"

Hmmmm

2005-10-22T16:17:00.000-05:00

Cancer daily horoscope in The Trentoian:

A high-maintenance attitude might bring you attention momentarily, but
it's not the lasting love you get from being comfortable. Settle in so no one
has to strain to be around you - be like a perfectly worn and beloved pair
of jeans.

High-maintenance and me.....they really don't go together. Notice how this horoscope is reminiscent of a quote that I found interesting enough to record here.

cupidity - inordinate desire, covetousness, sensuality, lust [Bailey] Unlawful or unreasonable longing [Johnson] From Latin cupiditas, desire, avidity; cupio, I wish, desire, long for. [Wedgewood]

I still am not hungry after last night's dinner at Mastori's.......
hummus, spanish olive and sweet pepper tapemade, tomato pesto, bruschetta and pita wedges for an appetitizer and then barcelona pizza - roasted chicken breast, artichoke hearts, sundried tomatoes and feta cheese and a Jersey Devil (to raise that specific person's eyebrow....that was so predictable....tee hee hee I must still be 5)...and then even though I had no desire for more food, having already eaten too much, I brought home a slice of tiramisu (not the best I have even had) and an entire chocolate chip cheesecake (worth every cent of its $23.95 price tag!) I suppose I should share that with everyone....if I have to!

Canaletto London: Seen Through an Arch of Westminster Bridge

1746-1747 oil on canvas

Have you ever thought?

2005-10-18T20:19:00.000-05:00

Have you ever thought what kind of old person you will be?

I mean have you ever given it much thought at all? Aside from what successes you might look back on in your old age, have you thought about what future you might be looking at?

For there is always a future isn't there? Perhaps it is several years, a few months, days or only a moment....there is no reason to stop living before your life has ended.

For that matter your future continues even after you die. Others carry on with memories of you, a tomb stone marks your grave, you have marked this life....maybe you don't realize it or maybe you don't want to accept it but you will/ you have/ you are making a mark in this world no matter how grand or how minor that mark is.

My mum and dad are visiting. I keep watching them and thinking about the marks they have made, both the good and the bad. I wonder if they realize it. I have tried to take the time to let them know what marks they have made on me. I wonder if they understand that their time for making a mark is ever drawing to a close. It is very difficult to see how much they have aged just within the last couple of years. Don't get me wrong, they are very vital people and I am incredibly proud of them and love to tell people that my parent's are 70 and 75 years old because they usually find it astounding. But more and more I have observed that my parents are watching life more than they are participating. Am I destine to do the same?

Today dad watched me repair the carved legs on my china cabinet using the tools he taught me how to use. Mum watched me prepare stew just like she taught me how years ago. I suppose they both noticed the touches that I have added to what they have taught me. And I can't help but wonder how it makes them feel. There was a small something in dad's eye while he helped me move the cabinet into place after I had fixed it...a very brief look of regret? melancholy? before pride took over his face. Somehow I think in the next couple of days I will hear him say to me while we are alone something about him not being as young as he once was.....not being able to do all that he once could....I hope I have the right words to remind him that none of that matters to me. I remember "once" and I will always remember.

It seems that as we age some of the stronger features of our personality become more prominent. Mum seems more negative than she used to be. Dad seems softer, less sure of himself. I always have known that side of mum but dad was always a pro at hiding this side of himself. Although sometimes it makes me uncomfortable being unaccustom to it, I am glad he can show this side now.

I wonder what type of old woman I will be. I am hoping that I will be loveably gruff and kind, a bit quirky perhaps but interesting....always interesting....so that the neighborhood children will pick my own flowers to bring to me just as I did with Mrs. Wise, as an excuse to visit me to hear what odd things I have to tell that day. I hope that I will be a bit troublesome but not so much a pain to those in my life but as a way of keeping the young ones on their toes around me.

Have you ever thought of what type of old person you might be?

FOUR Seasons fill the measure of the year;
There are four seasons in the mind of man:
He has his lusty Spring, when fancy clear
Takes in all beauty with an easy span:
He has his Summer, when luxuriously
Spring’s honey’d cud of youthful thought he loves
To ruminate, and by such dreaming high
Is nearest unto heaven: quiet coves
His soul has in its Autumn, when his wings
He furleth close; contented so to look
On mists in idleness—to let fair things
Pass by unheeded as a threshold brook.
He has his Winter too of pale misfeature,
Or else he would forego his mortal nature.

- John Keats, The Human Seasons

2005-10-12T07:13:00.000-05:00

Misty, overcast weather has turned to dark foreboding weather. My walk in the mist last night turned into a walk in the rain. I was disappointed at first but decided...."just act like a duck"....don't hurry through the rain, just turn your face up and enjoy. (love ya for that inspiration you dear umbrellaless man) It was a glorious walk although I was drenched when I returned home. Hot bath fixed that right up.

Such an incredible dark morning. I love it, if only I could crawl into bed and spend the day undercover. ah well.

Made the mistake of driving down to district today instead of walking. My thought was that it is drizzling and cold (53 f). My blood is thin and this drop in temperature feels more severe than it would have just a few years ago. Not that I don't enjoy it. So into the car I went, and into traffic. What a pain for such a short trip! All of us fools in cars. I won't do that anytime again soon.

Just one more thought.....while I was driving in I saw a car with one of the license plate frames. It said "happiness is.....talking to my parrot" Whatever blows up your skirt I suppose!
.

2005-10-11T13:16:00.000-05:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Coldplay - X&Y - Fix You

On a Misty Eve a Walk

2005-10-10T22:53:00.000-05:00

With evening chores done and a nice mellow mood brewing, I decided to go out walking. I knew full well that I could use this mellow mood to my advantage. At times like this I often can achieve many more things than when I am feeling pushed and frustrated. After quickly changing out of my jeans and shirt into yoga pants and a white spaghetti strapped tank top, I laced my shoes and grabbed a zip up sweatshirt before I ran out the door. I was a bit surprised by the light drizzle as I stepped out, but decided that this mist was nothing that should keep me in. No matter, I was not dressed for the weather but I will hardly melt, so out the gate and down the street I went.
Walking quickly for this was not intended to be a leisurely stroll, I headed down towards the schools. The paved path through the wooded area was so well lit that it had a surreal quality about it and that is where you joined my on my walk. Together we walked in silence as large drops of rain gathered on the leaves. We passed the locked school, the district is still closed tomorrow. As we started to pass the play yard I glanced at you with a mischievous smile on my face before I dash away from you towards the swingsets. You stood at the road just watching me until I leaned playfully on the swing and coaxed you to follow me. Paying no heed to the damp seat I wanted to swing. Would you push me while I laughed with delight, feeling carefree and foolish? Would you allow me to sit on your lap, my legs through the swing facing you, hanging on to the chains as I straddled your waist, spider swinging as children do so that two may swing as one? Marvelous moments in which we laughed as only lovers do minding not the misty dampness of the night. Finally it is decided enough play for this walk is not over, there is more to explore.
Past the schools the street lamps are not on and darkness closes in as we walk. From the road there is a paved running path which curves gently around the woods and rolls up and down over the gentle swells of the earth. Here it is very dark with the shadow of trees along the path and our footsteps on the asphalt being the only things keeping us on track. On we walk in our adventure. Despite the mist and the coolness of this fall night, the pace of our walk is making me warm so without stopping, I took off my sweatshirt and tied it around my waist. Feeling the muscles in my calves and thighs working felt marvelous and I realized how much I have neglected exercise in the last few months, how much I miss my yoga and pilates. The mist gradually turned into a light rain, making my damp tank top cling to me and a dew gather on my exposed shoulders and upper back and chest. Are those your eyes I feel on me, straining in the dark to see what can only barely be made out? Curiousity? Longing? Together we walked with few words spoken but much said. The only things in the world were this path through the dark woods, the sounds of night crickets and raindrops, the sweet earthy smell of autumn decay and us walking along.
Before I knew it we had reached the small wooden bridge which crosses the lazily moving stream. With each step on the wooden planks I realized that I heard only one pair of footsteps, my own. As mysteriously as you had appeared beside me you had vanished. Alone and suddenly lonely on the dark path I grew uneasy and wondered about the bravery or was it foolishness that had brought me to walk such as this. Faster I walked, thinking how foolhardy of me to walk alone on a remote path through a wooded area. Suddenly I heard a branch break in the woods off to my right and for a moment my heart stopped. I listened intently for any sounds of danger and moments later thought that I heard footsteps behind me. Shaking my head, I thought to myself, "your mind is playing tricks on you. That noise was nothing more than a branch breaking due to the heaviness of water or perhaps a playful squirrel....or could it be the outlaw of Hartlip Hill?" Ha! With that enjoyable thought I finished my walk daydreaming back on the time we had spent together on this dark, damp night.

2005-10-10T15:51:00.000-05:00

Zen is an interesting topic isn't it? It is elusive. When you try for it, it escapes you leaving you feeling frustrated and wondering where you went wrong. When you are not expecting it you find yourself in a zen state and realize you have been functioning that way for a while without your knowledge. However, almost as soon as you acknowledge that you have "achieved" it it floats from your grasp. Perhaps it is because you feel you have "achieved" it that it flies away on wings of freedom.

When you sit for it to be the most effective you must have no purpose in your sitting. How impossible that seems most days. You want answers, you want solutions, you want a plan and a purpose. None of those things can zen give you directly and all of those things will it provide to you.

Sounds like such shit doesn't it? (where are those ridiculous yahoo emoticons when I need them - I need an impish smile here)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love driving on Odd Fellow Road. It always puts me in a wonderful mood. Morning in the soft light, afternoon in harsh light or overcast, even in mist or rain, and night with moon or without....it soothes me somehow. The asphalt is two wide lanes for the most part except where it narrows to cross the tiny bridge, nothing more than a jump over a stream, so in that regard it is unremarkable. It is the canopy of trees that stretch over the road that is the most awe inspiring. At times as closed as a cavern and at other times offering brief glimpses of the sky above. From either direction you enter this canopy out of open sky but quickly it surrounds you. It is like an accelerating passage of birth(?), transition (?) but at the same token it is peaceful, calm. I could stay in the protection that the canopy provides forever. But just as excited I am within that canopy, driving through it into the open sky again is even more exhilerating. After leaving the womb protection of the canopy, I feel almost as if I could do anything. I have found that walking through does not provide the same sensation although it is enjoyable nonetheless. Perhaps the ultimate experience would be to ride a motorcyle through it. Now I just must find someone with a cycle. Alas I know but a handful of people here right now and none of them have a cycle to my knowledge. Very dishearting. Where is N with his cute little vespa when I need him? (now that is a very good joke! wouldn't that make him laugh at me, wanting to scold me. hehe.)
Odd Fellow road is ironic. I very much resented the isolated ruralness of this place that I was brought to intially. I longed for my old stomping grounds and the ease of getting things that I desired which I had taken for granted. Over the course of the last couple of months I am growing to adore the country setting here with it quaint houses and farm markets, fields, trees and streams. And of course it has the added benefit of being within easy access of several large cities. I have my sights on a perform in NYC. Think I can get someone to take me? Probably not. Perhaps I am too homely (where's my impish grin again?) It is lovely here, now if only someone could find me a clove cig or two...nasty habit I should quit but it a small indulgence that I sometimes allow myself after I finish a project. Not even the indian owner seemed to know exactly what I wanted, such a pity.

For you, you know who you are:

Does everyone have a different take?

Do you seem real but I seem fake?

Does everyone get hypnotized by your fire?

Randomness

2005-10-09T15:22:00.000-05:00

Condition of Life

Elia Astfjord

"When all that you know is lost, and your only rescue are the dreams you dream during the silence of the night, a lurking presence is evident ever-still."
- unknown

Only the fairy tale equates changelessness with happiness...
Permanence means paralysis and death.
Only in movement, with all its pain, is life.
- Jacob Burckhardt

Currently I am....

craving a california wrap from the Mud Street Cafe with just water
wishing to escape, but to where I don't really know, although I did check on tickets to Seattle today
listening to James Blunt in particular You're Beautiful, No Bravery, Here We Go Again and I ReallyWant You
doing paperwork, lord where do the stacks come from (anyone care to help? anyone? anyone at all?)
despising laundry, loving ironing
wondering if the wicked visitor to my blog will ever leave a message, or a simple thought behind (you can now do it entirely anonymously although I will know precisely who you are)
missing the ocean sounds and smells terribly

Currently I am....

2005-10-08T19:35:00.000-05:00

reading from The Complete Tales & Poems Edgar Allan Poe
stuck on listening to Damien Rice and Secret Garden (feeling kinda mellow)
craving mus-man (I really miss that thai restaurant round the corner from my old place...most excellent)
despising the fact that I am still trying to settle in here
missing sitting on the patio sipping drinks with L & M & S
loving the gorgeously rainy, fall day we have had today
wondering how S is doing and does he know I am still worried about him (of course he does)
wanting to go on a walk but not feeling like getting drenched
feeling like taking a long, hot bath since I can't go for that walk
wanting some spatlese (good thing there is a bottle chilling in the fridge right now)

Well since the walk doesn't seem to be in the cards perhaps opening the bathroom window to listen to the rain, filling the tub with bubbles, lighting the candles, putting on Damien Rice, sipping some wine, slipping into the tub and reading is in order....after all it definitely can't hurt, right?

2005-10-08T00:14:00.000-05:00

Last night I was out again in the meadow watching
the waning moon as the dog sniffed and played.
It was neither hot nor cold as the weather had
been beautiful yesterday.
And it was silent as only a night meadow can be.

A gentle breeze was blowing, softly caressing my skin.
And as I closed my eyes and lifted my arms upwards,

I felt your hand slide out of mine…
I felt your finger tips slip through mine as you stepped away.
I felt the breeze brush my skin sensually, like soft kisses and gentle licks.

I thought of a book I had read about spinning naked on a wizard’s stone,
how the breeze would feel,
the sheer pleasure of the caresses on my naked body
while being bathed in the moon light….
the sensual, sexual freedom that might be experienced
which brought a tickle of a smile to my lips.

When I stopped spinning,
the mist that was gathering around me softened my view of you.
I could just make out the outline of your body
and the look on your face as you caressed me with your eyes,
explored all of me that stood before you vulnerable and naked.
And then the mist obscured you from my view…

and I realized that you had never been there
and a tear come to my eye as I walked back up to the house.

But the thought of dancing naked on the wizard’s stone stayed with me
and brought back the play of a smile to my lips
as I recalled the sensation of that breeze,
so like a lover’s hand and yet not like a lover’s touch.

This piece was written during a time of what was actually lovely solitude. It is not a polished piece. Instead it is the rapid placing of pen to paper in order to capture a moment's thought.

ZMM

2005-10-06T23:05:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. And I loved it but I expected to.

In the Reader's Guide by the author Robert M. Pirsig he states "Like any great work of art, it frustrates as much as it enchants." While this might sound egotistical on the author's part it accurately expresses something that I have never been able to put words to. All the books that I have loved have an element of frustration for me. They are simple and yet they go beyond a simple explanation of what makes them great.

So after reading ZMM, I am left with some questions.

1. How do we know what is true and what is not true?
2. Quality? Virture? Dharma?
3. What makes us who we are?
4. Can, and should, we work to change ourselves to fit an idea of who we want to be?

Perhaps there are no easy answers, no correct interpretations....the journey being its own reward.

ARGGHH!!!!

2005-10-06T08:14:00.000-05:00

So yesterday evening I tried to post something. Blogger really needs to warn me better if they are going to go down for maintainence! I lost the post but it didn't really matter....it still had me thinking.

So I went for a walk after losing that post. And then I watched Lost (not sure why I like that show....I didn't watch the first season until mom bought the dvd). After that I went to bed and laid there writing in my journal. I finally wrote the truth that has been haunting me for the last couple of months. I am unhappy. I am responsible for that. So I spent a couple of pages talking to myself about it and about what would change this feeling. Today I am working on it. Maybe I will post part of it here as public record (lol). Sometimes having others know what I am planning to do keeps me to my plans.

I like to collect quotes and saying, even just words that strike me. I found a couple yesterday.

"I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed to never find. Without a trust or flaming fields am I too dumb to be refine?"

She stood in front of me, her tough subway face on, dark hair and low cut jeans, and behind my sunglasses I was distracted and decided to photograph her with my eyes. She wasn't young anymore, but not old, either. Her body wasn't perky anymore, but not saggy, either.

Like I said, she wasn't young, and her body had the comfortable shape of something that's been used as it's intended, but still has so much life left yet. A worn glove, a fading t-shirt, ragged jeans, all these things are similar, but all sound too bad for my intent. Imagine all those things as yours, and you made them that way, and they make you feel happy just seeing them, and that's what her body was like.

More Bad Poetry

2005-10-05T07:58:00.000-05:00

I am afraid of death not realizing that I am dead already.

Want to soar to the heights
but seem bound by responsibility.
Can only soar within the confines of this cage.
This cage……..
whether real or imagined
Holds me tight.

Soaring........
a dream for others.
The heights unlimited……..
Without bounds……..
Freedom
Success
Happiness

Others………
To live for others always
To forget self and live for others
Always………
and forever others.

Self……..
To live for self
Never
To forget others and live for self
An alien concept
That for some might work.

An empty shell waiting………
Waiting for the others to fly………
To see them soar………
To heights yet unknown.
Freedom
Success
Happiness

And then to not be afraid of death knowing that I am dead already.

The End or Just the Beginning

2005-10-04T12:53:00.000-05:00

The Dance of a Dying Leaf

Weak early winter afternoon sunlight
Cold refreshing air with the kiss of a promise of cold
Tentative gushes of wind rattling the leaves yet bound to the tree
One lonely brown leaf releases its tenacious hold
Held aloof for a moment
Triumphant dancing freely through the sky…..

All too soon the dance is over
Presumed freedom crashes to the earth
To lie still in the once green now crisp grass
The predicted end for that final freedom dance…..

A more insistent breeze
A tentative flutter of movement
And the dance is on again
Free of the constraint that bound it to the tree
Free from the normal expectations of a leaf….

And the dance begins again
Tumbling freedom across the dormant grass
Not the end but only the beginning
New journeys and adventures for the lone leaf
As the other leaves bound to their trees look on…..

A gust of wind
And more brown leaves
Emboldened by the freedom dance
Release their tenacious hold on their branch
The supposed end, only the beginning.

Where does time go?

2005-09-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

Well it has only been a week since I flew into Philly to come back to New Jersey but it feels like it was much longer ago than that. Except I also feel like I haven't accomplished much this week. That is frustrating. I need to stop treading water and get ahead!

Being back in Michigan was more lovely than I had even hoped for. There is nothing like being alone and not having anyone or anything to worry about but myself. It is a luxury that I don't get too often. (I remember having that way back in the past and now I wonder what I did with all the free time I must have had on my hands....I suppose I did more volunteer work than I find time for now. I remember tutoring adult illiteracy twice and week and doing charity runs....oh well those times will come again.) Anyway back to Michigan....it was so peaceful. Waking up in the morning and throwing on some clothes to go walking. Tree lined roads and early morning sun. The woodsy smell of autumn leaves. The twittering of various birds. The hush. And then in the afternoon wandering the town streets, acting like a tourist yet enjoying my native status! Funny thing was I so enjoyed my time alone and yet I found myself wishing to show things to the kids, to say things to the hubby....silent ghosts that walk everywhere with me. I am so thankful for them, more so than I think I realize on a daily basis.

Being back home as made me wish that I could live closer to my family of origin. Mom and Dad are getting older, it has become so apparent. I wish that I was nearby so I could help them more without appearing to be helping too much. I know that they value their independence and yet at times they need help. To be able to provide them with that would be invaluable to me. I have to resign myself to getting home when I can and calling often.

Wow!

2005-09-26T09:44:00.000-05:00

What's the date today??? Can anyone tell me the date today??? For that matter can anyone just tell me what day of the week it is???

Time has been just a blur for me since the end of July. That is probably apparent do to my lack of posts immediately after I created this blog. Why is it that things move so fast and so slow at the same time?

Hubby got home after being overseas for a year on July 19. The movers came August 1 and on August 8 I found myself in another place (or is New Jersey another country? tee hee). I'm a bit tired of new places. You would think that they would all start to seem similar, which they do, but in significant ways they are all so different. I am dying for some great Thai food....I don't think they have even a crappy Thai restaurant around here. And if I eat another "slice of pie" (why can't I just have a pizza??) I think I will throw up. But I suppose that is neither here nor there.

We immediately got a house, which was a huge blessing. But getting the movers to cooperate was a whole other story. A week after we moved in here, the movers delivered our household goods....well at least part of our household goods....okay they really only delivered boxes (what the hell was I supposed to do with 36 boxes of books and not a single book case in sight?). I began to feel like if I slept on a strange bed, the floor or an air mattress for just one more night I might start to scream and never stop but eventually it all worked out. Finally on Aug 23 they delivered the furniture. It only took them from August 1 until August 23 to get our stuff all sorted out....I suppose that isn't bad...right? (Wrong!!!)

In the midst of feeling sorry for myself, Katrina hit the Gulf Coast and proceeded to flood New Orleans and destory that entire area and the area directly east of it (Biloxi, my old home). Watching the events unfold on the television was extremely painful. Worry, fear for friends still there, anger and guilty were and still are a huge part of my emotions in regards to that. Now that I know that most of my old friends there escaped harm and personal damage, I feel gratitude that we moved before Katrina hit and at the same time guilt for that exact same reason. It is strange how feelings are so often conflicting like that. I would run down there in a heart beat to help if it was possible but it doesn't seem like that is possible. Home matters, setting up a new home and settling kids into school and routines are actually were my responsiblities must be right now but my heart goes out to all those displaced and struggling, and also to those safe but living in a place that might no longer feel like the place they knew before the hurricane.

Well enough rambling for now. I am making pact with myself to try and post at least once a week. So much has happened since I last made an entry, much of it is a bit of a blur, both of bad and good. Katrina, moving, getting a house, my brother's wedding (Eureka Springs, AR is beautiful and they couldn't have picked a more beautiful chapel than Thorncrown Chapel), taking a vacation, meditating along the lakes back in Michigan....so much has happens in less than two months.

well owen....

2005-07-07T22:19:00.000-05:00

well thanks to owen I started this blog. Being unable to post comments on his blog without a blogger account I was forced to begin something that I have thought about beginning but have been hesitant to do. I don't tend to be a consistent person when it comes to things that I do just for me. And if something feels like a "should" I don't usually do it unless it is necessary or I deem it a "necessary" thing. So journals such as this might not be my thing but I would like them to become more my thing. So with an unknowing nudge from owen, here I am.

I write in my personal pen and paper journal sporatically. Somedays I feel like I am writing something down every other time I turn around. And then weeks will go by and I haven't written a thing. Writing works that way for me though and I just accept it. When the mood to write poetry strikes me, I write alot and then ages will go by and I haven't written a thing. Like this past fall and winter I was writing a lot of poetry. I haven't written another poem since very early this past spring.

It is the same with my art. Although for some reason I am still a bit afraid of art right now. God there was a time when I was always sketching something, when I was always working on a project....but life happens. Often when I least expect it life happens. And somehow along the path of life I have put aside some of the very thing that I consider essential to who I am. Well life never quits happening so I finally decided I can't wait anymore and I am working to recapture those things that I used to feel helped define who I am. How come it feels so right and yet I am so nervous?

Okay enough rambling for now....I actually only did this because owen shared his blog with me and told me that he would like it if I posted comments and I had some comments....lol